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Life and Stuff

I just have this compulsion to write down what I'm feeling/thinking at the moment. Writing it somewhat helps me process everything but I'm hesitant in writing it in an actual diary, I block myself, I think I should do it but then I'm like I just can't be bothered. So I'm writing it here. This probably won't make any sense, I'm going stream of conscience here.

The main two words that I feel describe at this present point is lazy and stuck. I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be, unemployed, stuck at home all day, but I'm just to lazy to change it. I just feel cut off and I get this sadness whenever I see social media posts of people doing cool stuff with their friends. While I know these are just their 'highlights' it still makes me retreat back into my hole. While I'm stuck in this never ending consistent cycle of everyday life I am some what content and is my safe routine. I don't really get board, I have stuff to do ie this blog, my other blog, YouTube, photography + all the other stuff I want to start doing. That's another thing, there are so many things I want to do but once again I'm stuck cause I don't know what to do first. I have all these cool ideas in my head that I want to do but once again I'm too lazy to start or don't know how to so I just give up on it.

I'm also stuck in the sense in that I only have my learners license, I'm reliant on other people to take me places. I just feel like I would have this sense of freedom when I can drive myself, to do things such as drive to places I want to go without having to convince other people. The feeling of freedom when I think of it is euphoric but I also get the niggles of anxiety at the thought of learning to drive, for some reason I feel like I won't have total control and that unhinges me. I know it will go away once I have experience, it's just getting there.

One thing I need to stop doing is thinking too far ahead. When I've applied for jobs that I really really want I start to visual me getting it and all the things I'll be doing which then leads to immense disappointment when I don't get it which then leads me to just giving up on the whole applying for jobs thing because I just feel like I'm not good enough. I'm also dealing with the annoyance of being ignored, when you email someone or apply for a job and you just get nothing. Which once again leads me to feeling stuck cause you just can't move on until you get a reply.

I'm an introvert with social anxiety so really my perfect night would be me at home watching the Gilmore Girls rather than in a club or something. I personally don't get the attraction, the thought of going to one just gives a panic attack. I'm also somewhat hesitant of change, I want it but I also don't want to leave the safety of my routine.

When I finished my Honours degree last year I was spent, I found it far more stressful than my three year BA combined and just couldn't face studying again this year. I do miss it, having somewhere to be, talking and learning about art just without the assignments. This time off allowed me to think about what my end goal is, what I need to work towards. I've kinda narrowed it down to three key words: Art, Archives, Preservation. Thanks to one of my lecturers last year I've had some conversations with archivists and it's something that makes me excited when I think about it. There is this degree at Victoria which is something I need to undertake so I can continue moving forward but I have to wait till next year so once again I'm stuck.  I've been avoiding getting the 'retail' type job instead focusing on one that is somewhat related to my degree. However that hasn't been working out at all and I'm still hesitant on the whole retail thing, it's basically my nightmare having to have 'great customer service' but really the thought of social interaction just gives me anxiety. I always feel like I don't know what to do/say and I'm also terrified of doing something wrong. But I need a job so I can buy stuff and you know 'be an adult' but I'm once again also scared of the whole change thing.

I also want to do a postgraduate degree in museums/heritage, there's one at Auckland but there's also a cool one in Wellington as well. I just feel like doing both the museums and info management degrees would cover all bases and give me more opportunities.  I always have the feeling that I just want to move somewhere different so I can start over, to jump from my never ending cycle cleanly with no disruption.

This makes so sense at all. One of the reasons I felt compelled to write this is that I've been reading/read books which concern young women and how they act in a certain way to live up to the social norms or completely change themselves and are reliant/follow another person. I think I'm done now.


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