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Thoughts on Friendship

So last week I posted my review of Ctrl, Alt; Delete and I mentioned how while reading I was compelled to note down some of my thoughts and feelings thanks to the chapter on friendship. It was a feeling I hadn't really experienced before, an overwhelming desire to write something down. I thought I should do something with it so here it is.

Context: so in the chapter Emma lists a number of categories of types of friends, (the friendship pyramid) from best friend to those who you only communicate to say happy birthday on Facebook.

I wouldn't say I currently have a best friend (at least not one fitting Emma's description). As I've gotten older I've kind of isolated myself from other people and some of the friendships I had when I was younger faded away which I regret. I'm introverted and I would rather stay at home and watch a movie than go out to a club or something. Society kind of thinks that's weird for someone my age to prefer which in the past made me think that something was wrong with me.

I have friends which I talk to and meet up with every so often which is great, I like how we can just start a random conversation out of the blue. After reading Emma's description of her best friends I've come to realise it's something I would like.

I crave social interaction but at the same time it also gives me anxiety, it sucks. I hate the first awkward part of meeting someone new, it's something I'm really bad at. I'm always the person who is listening and nodding along to the conversation and some people think it's weird and that I'm not engaging so I get ignored. I'm more of a listener rather than a talker. It's not till I really know someone where I feel comfortable to start using my voice and engage in conversations.

I have more conversations online, it's easier for me. I have time to think of a reply and not sound awkward. You also get the chance to interact with some amazing people who I would definitely get nervous and anxious about going up to them and starting a conversation in real life. Friend crushes is something I get a lot, mostly on people from Twitter and most are fellow bloggers. I really want to be friends but I always second guess myself, sometimes I wish I could just jump into friendships the way you did when you were younger: 'We have the same favourite colour, let's be best friends'.

I'm always someone who is completely unsure about myself. I don't think I know who I am yet so how can I socialise and make friends when I don't know how to act especially since I get nervous and panic when talking to someone I really want to know better and just make an idiot of myself.

That's where writers itch ended. While transcribing I also realise I at times can't read my own writing.

Ashley xx

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